VoniIsntPerfect.com

Look, I told you people I am not PERFECT and apparently neither is blogspot.  Voni has left the building. But dont fret! I'm taking you VIP's along with me. 

I am here ---> VoniIsntPerfect.com

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Papa Smurf, Smurfette oh and Let's Not Forget NIGGAH Smurf...

What do you get when you are bitten by a black fly in the land of the Smurfs?
Niggah SMURF!!!  No, seriously.

The Smurfs was my all-time favorite cartoon as a young girl.  Growing up there were 3 televisions in the entire house and of course I was stuck sharing with my older sister, commonly known back then as "Mean Ole Troll."   Every saturday morning I'd watch the Smurfs faithfully while my sis huffed & puffed patiently waiting for her turn to switch the tube to a program I had no desire to see but was forced to watch anyways.

In my mind, I was Smurfette.  Don't judge me.

I Lost the Only Girl in the World that Know Me Best

i tend to offer my readers words of advice and/or encouragement based of off my experiences that may seem to have a not so happy ending.  But i implore you to look at the page as half full not empty.   Life is hard. Love is hard. God is Hard.. Do you see where i am going with this?  With out adversity there is no Happily Ever After....

May 18th 2011. I never questioned God.  I looked up into the ceiling of the hospital and I couldn't fix my lips to ask God Why Me??

Luv'n You is like a Battle.. We Both End Up with Scars..

"give me back the Daytons I put on.... 

The tinted windows I paid for.....

The money I put into the engine
and the brakes!" - Baby Boy

Love is a crazy thing. Especially when you know it's over.  What is the right way to tell someone you've been loving that the end is here.  Essentially you don't want to sound cliche by saying " Let's be friends" even though that sentiment might very well be the most geniune. Think about it.   Wouldn't you rather be slapped in the face than your honey tell you they're ready to drive you curbside to the "Friend Zone."  But what if the shoe were on the other foot? What if you were the one who had to break it off?  I've been on both sides of the fence and neither one is easier than the other.  Some things just have to be done.

Love is a crazy thing.  I always like to reference my relationship box.  As explained in previous posts, it is an imaginary box that is filled with real-life B/S that I've chosen to forgive for the sake of the relationship.  Eventually this box gets filled to the top. Some choose to disregard the maximum capacity limitations you've orginally set upon the box and hit reset.  I don't suggest you do that too often or there is no point to the box at all however; I am not here to judge.  If there were a way for you to see what's actually in this box I'd probably be embarassed.  Good thing Voni.Isnt.Perfect is a JUDGE FREE-Zone

Offended Much?

It is certainly very difficult to write about my relationships or any details of my life without first thinking  "Will so & so be offended?"  Or more importantly should I even care in the first place.   For the most part I mean no harm. As you should have already gotten Voni.Isnt.Perfect nor do I claim to be.  My blog is an avenue to display my thoughts for the sheer entertaintment of those who can respect it as such.  Now with that out of the way.... I need to get some things off my chest.

Feature Fridays: : CHYNA of Dollhouse Cosmetics

As of late, I've developed a slight addiction. Makeup. Now, I know this new found addiction is getting out of hand because I find myself skipping out on lunch just so I can spend quality time with my self-elected makeup artist at the MAC counter.  ((Her name I will NOT reveal. I DO NOT LIKE TO SHARE!!))

Around the time of my birthday I discovered that you can get your whole face painted if you talk a hot cup to one of the employees at the counter.

Excuse me miss... Can you teach me out to enhance the arch in my eyebrows??
Oh and while your up there, is it possible for you to apply these fab eyelashes?
It is my birthday today and I wanna look Hot. 

FASHION-ME-STA

Fashionista: self-proclaimed. Credible terminology if not abused: see Bling,  Pretentious. Imaginary. N/A

Fellow blogger over at Life & Times of a Stylista and I banter back and forth just a little about the over-usage of the word fashionista. Everyone is a fashionista. My Great-Aunt Pernease faithfully watches BET and guess what.. she too claims to be a fashionista.  While I encourage freedom of expression whether it is via an editorial piece, through a mere opinion, or by the style of clothing you wear; I just dont think sporting the Black Labels defines one as such.  As a matter of fact, I hear red-bottoms are extremely painful. I know for a fact True Religions jeans are not made for petite women with fat butts, and while I do have an LV bag I'd rather have the ability to eat at night before I go broke buying another just to keep up with the Kardashians!!! If your spending habits exceeds your need to EAT, the life of a FASHIONISTA just doesnt add up.

THE GAME : SEASON FLOP

After watching Season 3 faithfully, I had been convinced that The Game's producer Mara Brock Akil put the storyline of my life on blast for all the world to see. I could relate to Melanie's character so well I almost experienced an emotional breakdown when I found out Derwin cheated with Janae and even worse had gotten her pregnant.   How could this good-looking charming man be so ...so much like my ex? Sure enough Mara & Kelsey Grammar were somewhere in Brooklyn hiding in the bushes with a pen and pad writing down my experience with the man I had loved unconditionally. A man who had promised me the world only to find out the heartbreaking news that he had gotten his jump prego!  Yep, I was TEAM MELANIE.  At this point The Game was truly painful to watch. Thoughts of given up my addiction crossed my mind several times but of course I followed through until the end of the season.

Feature Fridays: Can't Deny Talent

This is the first installment of Feature Fridays where I share with you uber-talented people I have had the pleasure of meeting.  With that said...

Check out the Re-Introduction from Poca the Papergirl's forthcoming project entitled My Clocc My Time.
Video directed by John Shotti and Maniac

Sleepless in Brooklyn???

Yes ladies and gentleman, I've caught the lazy bug once again.  I don't know how to shake it.  Writing & reading are my two most favorite pastimes yet I cannot find the time to consistently do both.   Between work, friends & family, life and this finicky weather (yes I am blaming Mother Nature as well); there are not enough hours in the day.   Malcolm Gladwell says the key to success is to commit 10,000 hours to your craft.  Diddy boasts of sleepless nights.  Remember Damon Dash's reality show, Ultimate Hustler where the mantra was Hustlers Never Sleep?  How is that even possible???? No sleep means I'm irritable. There are terrible bags under my eyes. Most important my mind goes blank. I'm a walking, breathing ZOMBIE. Clearly there is a way. I've read countless blogs & bios of women especially who have numerous children, pets, a full-time job, hobbies and travel all the time.  With that said, I decided to reach out Carrie Pink: Modern Day Supergirl.
In such awe of her accomplishments I decided to ask her:
Just how is all of this possible?   
Check out CarriePink's response here!!

Is Your Dog a Panty Droppa???

No, this post is not about the infant stage of Love, Lust or Like. It’s about a Puppy.  A puppy, who's favorite pastime is NOT just chasing birds, her tail, or eating Spicy Shrimp off my plate when I'm not looking.  It’s about a puppy who loves to watch her owner having sex.  I've never had a dog so I can't tell you if this is normal or not however; I can say it is weird and amusing all at the same time.  For all of you freaks out there who are newly into voyeurism but can't find the perfect person to witness you and your beaux slapping skins - get a dog.  (Preferably a small one).

The first time I met Cocoa I instantly fell in love with her and she knew it.  It had been a seemingly long day at work so I must have fallen asleep on S.O.s couch. After a couple of hours of deep R.E.M slumber, I awaken to a furry, heavy breathing; wet nose puppy snuggled in my boobies. Weird... Like I said I've never had a dog before and this is the first time we've met; therefore I found it a little strange Cocoa felt that comfortable.  *Shrugs*

Upon our second encounter, I happened to be lying across the bed on my tummy, most likely texting, tweeting or sending out emails.  I call her over for some puppy play, giving her hugs and roughing her up a bit however when puppy playtime was over Cocoa decided she would catch her second wind on my butt.   *bbm HUH? face* Is it a coincidence Cocoa always rests on my most prized assets?  What goes on in her head as she snuggles on my T & A?

This one night S.O. and I retire to the apartment after a night of great food & booze.  Things are getting hot & heavy. I mean clothes are flying everywhere, music is blasting so the neighbors don't know my name, toes are curling...Well you get the point.  In the midst of all this activity I get the feeling somebody is watching me. 
That some-doggie is COCOA. Front row seat... Just staring with those puppy dog eyes.     S.O. yells at her to get down.  She obliges. We continue... Cocoa returns... Again S.O. yells at her to go away and again Cocoa obliges.

After what seems like a couple of hours, I notice Cocoa is quiet - too quiet. S.O. calls out her name but she doesn’t reveal her hiding space.  We begin searching under clothes, tables, chairs. No Cocoa.  Where could she be?  I check under the bed to find Cocoa big brown eyes staring back at me.  What is that she is hoarding next to her?  S.O. turns on the light and as I look closer, Cocoa has her head nestled in what seems to be my PANTIES!!!!!!!
And this right here Ladies & Gentleman is a PANTY -DROPPA!!!!

DATING CHRONICLES: Valentine's Day Cheer

As I stood on a crowded bus yesterday, a fairly young man and his son politely thugged their way through the Valentine's Day straphangers.  The bus was filled with white teddy bears, red roses, and huge arrangements of "V-day Doo Dads" you can purchase off the street for those of you who needed to get a quick gift for your significant other or get put out.
You know who you are.  
As the young man gets to the middle of the bus, a woman who is obviously in good spirits offers her seat to the young man's son and explains she is getting off the next stop. 
He replies in a fresh Jamaican accent,
 “It is a day of love. I love My Sister, I love MY Mothers and most importantly I love YOU for offering your seat however; I am going to ask that you enjoy it and the rest of your day."
 You could hear the smiles on everyone's faces including my own.   This shows how powerful a simple gesture or an act of love from a stranger can be. I thought this for all of two minutes until an evil woman exclaimed,
"There is absolutely no love in this world. All of it is FAKE... VALENTINE'S DAY SUCKS!!!! 
Of course, this woman was without a teddy bear, candy or balloon. 
Hmm I wonder why?

Interesting enough my Valentine's Day Weekend had the same reoccuring theme. What’s up with the Valentine Day Scrooge's this year??? V-day is not just another day to buy expensive gifts, dining at unbelievably crowded restaurants, or anything of the such. It is day set aside to recognize the ones you care about with simple acts of love.  It just grinds my gears to hear people say that they HATE Valentine's day.  Yes, everywhere you turn there is a store or television commercial that takes Valentine’s Day put on a plate and shoves it down your throat.  But if you celebrate Christmas, Hanukah, or even your birthday you should be used to it already!!  
A message to you V-day Scrooges: Crawl under a rock somewhere until February 15th...

The plan this night is to celebrate at a nice restaurant. Indeed, I am late as usual.
I feel like if I am always late it should come as no surprise - I am sorry I don’t do it on purpose.  Of course, I get in the slowest cab in America to the S.O.'s apartment and while in the cab I came to the conclusion that if I stay in this particular cab we will never make it to the city this year. So I hopped out and S.O. hails a renegade cab off the street.
Pause...
Let me explain the term Renegade Cab.  This type of cab driver has no morals, will drive across a four lane street without signaling just for a fare and well... sit tight for the rest of the story.   
We get in and advise him the best route to the restaurant. He pulls off (of course without signaling) asks us how much do we think we should pay him for the fare. Immediately, he begins to tell us a made-up story about how he is from Colorado and he just moved here to make a living as a cab driver.  He's very new to Brooklyn and unfortunately most people get to their destination without paying him.    Although I am not buying his sob story, I take the invite to his pity-party and offer him half of the fare. 
He angrily declines.
What do you mean you require the entire fare?!  
We haven't even gotten to the Brooklyn Bridge!!!
Calmly I ask him if when he sits down at a restaurant is it customary that he pays for his food before he eats it?
Clearly he didn't take my sarcasm to well because he immediately stops the cab and says he is NOT taking us to the city however; he wants $7 minimum fare for taking us thus far.  At this point S.O. is about to go off. 
"Yea, Mr. that is NOT going to happen. We will get out and you can go on your way."
Renegade cab then suggests that he WILL go to the city and asks that we advise him how to get to the bridge from here.
Hmmm... Why the sudden change of heart, Renegade?  There must have been some truth to your sob story about how you just moved here from Colorado.  But this here is a Brooklyn Girl...I'm on to you.

Renegade pulls off and locks the doors. I signal to S.O. to quietly pull up the lock and I did the same.
"Make a left turn here, please"
Oh hell, no. Renegade makes a right!!!    Again, I signal to S.O. stay calm.  
Renegade races to the yellow light but stops for it as it turned red.
DUMMY!
S.O. and I hop out.  Renegade is furious. His yelling is inaudible.  I can hear something like
"I can't believe you left my doors open.. Biotch!!!"   
I can't believe you got me acting all crazy in my 6 inch heels and its VALENTINES DAY!!!

VONI ISNT PERFECT

Twitter is the Devil's Work

This may come as no surprise to you but.....
Twitter is the Devil's work.
I can't get an educated thought down on a piece of paper with Twitter luming around. 
Its a stupid addiction much like cigarettes, biting your nails or popping ya pimples.
As of today, I am no longer apart of the Twitter CULT....

ok Wait.... Don't Quote Me..... lol

Begging for Change

Every day I ride the 4 train to work, and I purposely try to bury myself in something interesting, to distract me from nuances the NYC subway train rides has to offer. Occasionally, I am interrupted by a male duo trying to raffle off M&M peanuts (never the plain ones), or a dope fiend accompanied by her dope fiend boyfriend; who is so swollen and hocked up on that stuff she doesn't even care that the seat of her pants are split wide the heck open - exposed for the world to see. Im just saying, we live in the age of phone cameras and the medium of social networking.

The funniest character I've come across is a tie between "Train Man" and the "Vietnam War Vet".  Both are panhandlers who are a step above putting their filthy caps in your face as u try to ignore their incessant begging. Train Man has mastered the art of imitating the sound you hear as the train doors are closing.  In between his impressions he tells a dirty joke or two.  Vietnam War Vet immediately steps in the car and begins to sob. He starts off slow and soft and gradually gets louder and louder with absolutely no tears at all. In fact mid-way thru his spiel he looks around to see if he has touched your heart so much that you can't help but reach in your purse for anything...  A penny, a nickel, a piece of lint... Something...   Oh but beware... Vietnam War Vet will go off if he hasn't reached his train car quota.  Pure Comedy... And, no I'm not against helping out anyone who has become down on their luck... Indeed I have given to a homeless woman once before;however I witnessed this same woman dump out a bag of coins into the seat and discard all of the pennies she had collected. Just left them on the seat of the train as if they didn't add up. 
Because of this, panhandlers don't really move me....


*Voni V.I.P*

Rules to This.... Follow My Lead

First blog post in a hot minute and I just have to take a page from the "DATING CHRONICLES edition...  I’m still on the market however; I am dating someone really special. I've decided to dip back into the past to catch up with an old flame that deserved another go at it.  Not something I normally do but the old flame is HAWT!!!   We've decided to take things at a relatively slower pace than normal due to the nature of our past relationships.
 In doing so, LIMBO is where we have been up until very recently - you know "NO STRINGS!!" 
This, by the way is heavily confusing.  No matter which label you decide to use (or no label at all) it MUST be clearly defined… or else all hell breaks loose…  


Here is a scenario with different reactions according to the phase of your relationship.


You just ended a wonderful night out on the town with your beau. You share a taxi cab.
The conversation is so engaging you don’t want the night to end.  
“Your house or mine?”   
Back at the house, the two of you sip some wine, maybe watch a movie and before you know its 3am.  He/she insists that you stay a little longer or at least until the sun comes up.  Add cuddling and spooning into the mix and the night just became perfect…. Until…  You hear a knock on the door.   
At first it’s a subtle knock… Your date doesn’t flinch. You’re thinking it was all in your mind.  
KNOCK!!!! “Hey I know you’re in there!”


What do YOU DO??!!!


NO STRINGS - YOU’RE JUST CHILLIN…..

If this is where you are in your relationship…. I’d say... Roll the hell over and act like you didn’t hear ANYTHING!!! You guys are just chilling right? This means you have no right to ask or even get mad at the mysterious person at the door just as much as he/she has no obligation to explain.

DATING EXCLUSIVELY……

I had to ask around for the definition of dating exclusively as I have never had the pleasure.  I’ve always went from “Just chillin” straight into the commitment phase.  To my understanding this stage is when you are very much interested in settling down however; you are uncertain of with who is worthy.  Unlike the NO STRINGS phase, here is where feelings are present but you try your best not to let emotions surface. In my opinion it never works.  You’re going to get mad… You’re going to feel away. And in regards to whomever it is thinking it’s cute to knock on the door 3am in the morning - well there is nothing you can do at this point either.   Flying off the handle is just going to make you look crazy because as it stands you’re only dating right?  If this situation ever happens to you, I would wait until the next day or two to iron out some details. Clearly someone forgot to mention something somewhere.  
My advice for those of you who are currently moonlighting in this phase is not to stay here too long.  The longer you’re in this particular phase the easier it is to act as if you’re committed while using the excuse that you are not whenever you see fit. 
Don’t ride the lines or you will get hurt.  


COMMITMENT - BF/GF

Like in any other relationship phase, I believe you should treat others just like you would like to be treated. Always put everything out on the table -no surprises. If there is an ex out there who still attached and is bold enough to knock on doors at crazy hours of the night- let it be known.  The first time this happens you might get a pass but trust it will go in the “IM THROUGH WITH YOU BOX”*   I’d like to think at this point in the game all loose ends are tied up and forgotten about however; there are exceptions to the rule.  Messy doesn’t make for great relationships and in the end you will look untrustworthy. 

*The “I’m through with you box” is an imaginary box filled with “oh no he didn’t or she betta not try that again!!”  To explain further, when in any phase of a relationship especially the commitment phase, I don’t believe that everything is worthy of an argument or a fight.  Those that aren’t get tucked away in the box and are filled until you are completely over it.  In reality, break-ups are not easy. If you are able to just break-up with your significant other at the drop of a hat then the commitment phase was not for you. The box is my way of justifying why I am leaving you. *giggles*


THE EX
Oh don't act like because you are broken up the thought of doing it one more time never crossed your mind.  Indulging in such guilty pleasures is dangerous no matter what the circumstance of the break-up. Consequently, if you are the Ex and the above scenario happens to you. You’ve been played... Get up and Get out NOW!!! Thoughts of getting back together should have immediately escaped your mind... It’s not going to happen.

It is safe to say no matter what label you and your significant other agrees on, the idea of someone knocking on the door at 3am (which is booty call hours might I add), is unsettling. Unfortunately there is someone out there who is unaware of your motives should you be the party responsible for such actions.  The overall message here folks is to be clear with everyone. None of the above phases is an excuse to be a jerk. 

*Voni V.I.P.*