I Lost the Only Girl in the World that Know Me Best

i tend to offer my readers words of advice and/or encouragement based of off my experiences that may seem to have a not so happy ending.  But i implore you to look at the page as half full not empty.   Life is hard. Love is hard. God is Hard.. Do you see where i am going with this?  With out adversity there is no Happily Ever After....

May 18th 2011. I never questioned God.  I looked up into the ceiling of the hospital and I couldn't fix my lips to ask God Why Me??

Eight and a half years ago I got a strange call from my sister.  Away at school she never calls. Something was up.   She eludes to the fact our Mom is sick with Breast Cancer.  The irony to this story has much to do with the time line.  She had already gone through a huge surgery - mastectomy of the infected breast.  Mom was in recovery and wanted to know if anyone has told me of the news- furthermore how bad was I taking it.   A parent of  two beautiful daughters my mom spoiled me even during the most rotten teenage years. My sister got that type of love from our dad.  This is not to be misconstrued as favoritism its just how it went.  At the sound of my sister's trembling voice my heart crashed and my body did the same.   I remember the day as if it were yesterday. The horrifying flashbacks still replays in my mind like a horror flick.

Eight beautiful years after she'd endured chemotherapy, radiation, a third grandchild, her hair growing back thick & long loss of her longstanding job just to be re-hired somewhere else as a Patient Navigator to aid in Cancer prevention (Gods plan) - it came back. Only this time it mastesticized  to her liver.  Hope slowly slipped away from me. 

Anyone who goes through any form of cancer at least once deserves to be proclaimed as Strong a Fighter... Mom is all of this and more.  She rarely complained, she refused to stop working, she suffered double doses of chemo every other friday, she saved her locs with hopes of returning to the same hairstyle soon as she won this battle.  She believed in her heart of hearts that this battle would be won again; I on the other hand got a message from God.

Love your Mother like there is no tomorrow.  Hug her every day as if it is the last.  Talk with her so that you may replay the sound of her voice as if it were an unforgettable tune.  And most importantly learn to pray.  Pray for strength. Courage. Wisdom. Understanding.

For years I'd harbor anger towards her for not letting me hold her hand the first time she went through this.  Why didn't she let me be there for her when she needed me the most?  It wasn't until recently I asked God to take this selfishness from me.  All of that didn't matter anymore. More energy should be spent helping her reach her normal self although she silently insisted we treat her as if she were as healthy as she were before Cancer invaded our lives.

The day my mom left this earth she was surrounded by her immediate family- my dad, my sis and I.  As her breathing became unsteady and her blood pressure dropped so low it was undetectable; it was if all the tears we'd held in for the past week finally overflowed onto our cheeks poured out from our souls. In unison.  I don't know if it were tears of sadness.  More like the kind of tears you shed when your heart misses someone.  I missed her those last few days suffering in the hospital bed. I missed her at the moment she left. I missed her the morning I couldn't zip the back of my dress. I will miss her when I walk down the aisle without her. I miss her the most when I cry at night.  I will always MISS HER....

Out of all the posts I will ever write based on love & relationships.... If I never find a companion who will say I do... I won't complain.  The love I have for MY MOTHER is what measures up to TRUE LOVE....